I Went to my gpa's today after work and it's something that i would really love to start doing again. I feel like I have put my whole life on hold recently and it has been wearing away at me. Not seeing family or friends has been very hard for me. Peter and I are in the midst of this bitterness and every time I try to reconnect, he pushes me away and I feel like I'm just here to do what he wants...

We had a really big fight yesterday. I was in the bathroom and taco was attacking the window to go to the bathroom. I yelled at him to stop and he wouldn't. I think I said something like, "Oh Taco, why do you always do this to me?" Peter blew up and said that taco doesn't listen to me because he doesn't respect me and he's getting tired of it. I knew better, just went back into the bathroom as he cursed at me and tried not to get upset. I heard him say that I was stupid so I yelled back, "Don't call me stupid!"

He yells back, "I DIDN'T call you stupid but now that you say it, you ARE fucking stupid. I can't fucking take it anymore." and continued to swear at me. My heart beat so hard and I felt myself sweating and panicking -- this is the kind of yelling that makes me wish I could disappear... I talked myself down and told myself I just should ignore his anger and get to work. There was a drawing waiting for me to work on. I told myself, "don't take the drawing, he isn't being kind." So I just get going and he yells "You're not even saying bye??? HELLOOOOO! Whenever I have a fucking issue, YOU wont listen, this is not a fucking relationship." and I continue to just ignore his angry voice, thinking "wait til he stops shouting."

Then he barges down the stairs and yells at me about the drawing and I say, "So you want me to still do the drawing? What do you want me to do?"

"OMG I TOLD you what i wanted to you to do, weren't you lISTENING??????..." He starts at it again. Out of fear, I took the drawing.... It's really sad, but I do a lot of things out of fear. I'm afraid of him... I'm not sure this is healthy and I feel myself really dwindling down, mentally. Sometimes it seems like he doesn't like me, but because I do his work, and clean and take care of the dog, and buy him a printer cartridge, he can give me affection when he is interested, but when I am suffering mentally, and just need love, he is unable to give it to me....

So i do the drawing at work. I bring it home. When I get in I begin to bawl. I had sent a text telling him not to call me stupid anymore... He has been calling me brainless recently and it has bothered me a lot. He said it was "bullshit" and I wrote back that he did call me stupid but that the point is that we are supposed to be in love and that i still love him and does he love me back? He refused an answer and I saw him on facebook messaging all over the place, so I texted him back "No? Okay..." and he claimed he was working.

When I got home I couldn't help but remember the time he cheated or lied... Looking up marrissas breasts, or looking up his ex, waiting for me to leave and watching porn the second I left the house and how it really deeply hurt me to the core. I remember feeling sad in the relationship and thinking he would eventually love me the way I love him. Gut feelings are so important to me... I feel  I may be ignoring a huge gut feeling, which is that I am being used.

He came home and told me that he refused to talk about what happened. I continued to bawl and begged him to talk to me. He left me lying on the bed. He eventually came back up, I was crying on the bed and he poked my vagina over and over, ignoring my tears. Then came behind me and put an arm around me. I told him that it really hurt me that he didn't answer my text and that I saw him on facebook and knew he was lying.

Life changes

I'm going to attempt to make a borscht tonight for Peter. We've been eating a lot of crap lately and ever since I tried Peter's baba's borscht I have been a big fan. Lysa bought us a cookbook for a wedding present. "How to cook Everything". It touches a little on everything and gives you the most basic recipes possible. We have already tried making Quesedillas with great success. Last night we even bought a nice new pan that has no sides on it, (hope I don't just end up spilling everything over the side~!). I really want to cook. I'm beginning to think I'm a natural. Or perhaps I'm just a good student! I enjoy cooking, and I especially love seeing Peter eat my food. It makes me feel happy to create something from scratch and have someone I love enjoying it. So, yes! Borscht. Wish me luck.

We have decided that I need to quit VCR in order to work more at Ikea (make more money and spend less time working/travelling at the same time- plus some benefit, that we need so badly) so that I can be a wifey and draw. I'm sad to leave VCR but at the same time, I'm excited for the future. I want to get back to my private life. The one inside my mind... I have so many illustrations in my head that I struggle to get out. Now I will have the time to do this. I haven't even cracked open the markers. Can't wait.